I know I’ve let the blog get stagnant lately, and there isn’t really any worthy excuse for that. I’ve been busy with work, yes, and busy with life to an extent, but mostly I’ve just been trudging along trying to pretend I’m a normal person and there’s nothing wrong with me.

It hasn’t worked too well.

In the last few months I’ve made some very big decisions to follow some major life dreams. Lots more travelling (starting with 4-5 weeks in Europe next year) and some other major changes that I’ll go into another time. I always figured that the longer I manage to stay healthy and tumour-free, the “better” I’d feel about my long term chances. In reality, it’s the opposite. I very much feel like life is on an egg timer, where I can’t see how long is left. I can hear the ticking, and I know an egg timer only has a short amount of time on it.

It has now been a bit over a year since all my surgeries, and this year coming to an end has had a huge psychological impact on me. On one side, it’s reason to celebrate… 1 year clean and free of tumours. On the other, I see it as a year closer to the inevitable.

My physical condition is “OK” lately. My leg has deteriorated, as expected. I’m now classed as “permanently crippled”, complete with a disabled sticker. Still gives me a smile… the thought of a guy on a high-powered sports bike, with a disabled sticker. If I saw someone else in that situation, I’d assume they’re faking it for the parking privileges, but my leg has shown me that disability comes in a lot of different forms. I still can’t do stairs very well, and need a railing when going up them, and hills of any kind are a big struggle. Sitting down for more than a few hours also cuts of circulation to the nerves in my leg, making it go all tingly (in the painful way, not the tickly way). I also still get a day or 2 a week where my leg swells up so much I can’t put on my shoes or pants, and I’m forced to the recliner until it settles down. Not much fun.

Mentally, I still have massive anxiety attacks on a nearly daily basis, and a constant haunted feeling that follows me 24/7. I’m pretty good at ignoring things in life (pain, distractions, and dad might add “responsibilities” :p), so I can sometimes push it all away and pretend life is normal, but it generally catches up in a pretty big flood every now and then. I’m still quite happy, and confident that I can survive a fair few years yet, but everything I read says not to get too excited about anything more than single digit year counts.

I’ve been doing a LOT of reading, and it’s amazing how little we get taught about this stuff. We get told the basics, like “these foods are good for you, these foods are bad for you”, or “stress is bad, happy people live longer”… but not any specifics about the why, how, or what.

The big one I’ve been studying lately is stress. It’s amazing how bad stress is for you. Eg:

The body responds to stress by releasing stress hormones, such as epinephrine (also called adrenaline) and cortisol (also called hydrocortisone). The body produces these stress hormones to help a person react to a situation with more speed and strength. Stress hormones increase blood pressure, heart rate, and blood sugar levels. – Source

There’s also been lots of stuff saying that stress weakens your immune system, which your average person might be able to compensate for by being fit and strong, but for anyone with a life-threatening illness, should be avoided at all costs.

I always thought of stress as one of those “harden the fuck up, you’ll be right” type things, but it does make sense logically, and I definitely feel physically worse on/around days where I’m stressed (which is a lot, with my job).

Anyway… I’m hoping to update the blog a lot more now, even if no-one reads and it’s just a place to vent & rant. I definitely feel better mentally when I write my thoughts out.

PS: Marty Wilson’s book “What I Wish I Knew About Cancer” is now on the Amazon Kindle store too, so make sure you grab a copy… i’m in it!