Sorry about the long silence. This is where I insert an excuse about being busy, having lots going on, and not having enough time to do an update… but that’d be lying. Reality is, lately i’ve been drowning in the absolute monotony of everything, and dealing with a whole bunch of crippling depression stemming from that.
When you recover from a major surgery, it’s really easy to let yourself fall back into old routines too soon, and pretty much try and ignore/forget that anything was/is wrong with you. That’s probably fine if you’re recovering from a surgery that was just fixing something with no ongoing consequences… but when it’s cancer related, I think it’s a really bad trap to fall into. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, and sometimes it makes it come flying back and smack you twice as hard when it finally wants your attention.
For example, over the last few months i’ve subconsciously done my best to forget anything is wrong with me. It’s not the best way to deal with things, but it’s my defensive mechanism. I went back to full-time work as soon as I could walk properly again and thought I was doing the “right thing”, and I went back to all my old routines without even giving it a second thought. My morning coffee, my Friday night at the pub. For a few months, this actually worked… I felt… normal. Reality is though, nothing is normal any more. It just ended up piling up, and led to some seriously hardcore depression over the last few months as I tried to juggle everything, as well as a bunch of physical issues rising up to the surface again. It has left me in a state where i’m either working in a zombie-state of automated actions to get through the day, or at home sulking wondering what i’m supposed to do to fix things and wishing I could run away from it all.
My leg initially got a lot better, i’d say it got to about 90% “normal”, and then it regressed back to about 70% and has been sitting there since. Lately i’ve had issues with stairs, issues with hills, and general aches/pains after a long day at work (and not just an “Ow that kinda hurts”, but a “Holy shit please cut my leg off!” kind of thing). We knew there would be ongoing issues after such a major surgery, I guess I just didn’t quite expect this level of daily interference. I thought it’d be scars and a few aches, but now I feel like a permanent cripple. Well, I guess I technically am a cripple. It’s just hard to get used to. You don’t think that at 30 years old you’d need to help yourself up/down stairs via the railing, or take sit-down breaks when walking to the shops.
Now that i’m in the mountains it’s hard to go see the doctor that I like in Sydney, so I got stuck seeing a local one. Let’s just say that hasn’t worked out too well… he’s about as attentive as a drunk 17 year old at a party, and pretty much just writes you up a random prescription and tells you to leave, not caring why you’re there or listening to what you’re trying to tell him. I’ve now booked in back with my good doctor for next week after giving up explaining that antibiotics don’t fix a crippled leg, and resigned to a half-day off work and an expensive taxi trip.
Speaking of work, that’s my other major issue lately. I once again assumed that after all the surgery and treatments, i’d go back to “normal”, without any real trouble. The reality is that every single day is a struggle. I don’t have the energy any more to sit in front of a computer screen and code for 8+ hours a day while dealing with all the associated stresses of a corporate job. I don’t sleep anywhere near as well as I used to, due to a variety of reasons (pains, nightmares, over-tiredness, etc), so getting through each day is a huge effort, and I find I just don’t have the motivation/drive I used to have to deal with the daily grind. Everything seems so insignificant. I find myself wondering why I bother working so hard, and wasting 13-14 hours of my 16-18 hours awake, just to make money for things that don’t even mean anything to me any more.
I have lost my interest for nearly all my hobbies other than spending time with my wife, cooking (lots, of, cooking) and enjoying the Blue Mountains on my bike (video) or going for walks. Video games, computers, photography, even web development all seems so trivial. All my web projects have fallen into decay, and i’ve all but given up doing any development for fun or profit on the side. I’m starting to honestly think i’d be happier working 1/3rd as much, earning 1/3rd as much, and spending more time at home, even with all the associated sacrifices that would involve. I no longer desire a nice big house, shiny gadgets, a new car, or any of that stuff that drove me to work so hard previously. It sounds silly, maybe even corny, but none of it matters any more… and without that motivation, every single day at work has become a huge struggle with inadequate personal reward, ending with me collapsing at home each night sore, depressed, and over it. I probably get 1-2 nights a week of “proper” sleep, and the same number again of nights that aren’t spent depressed and close to breakdown, worrying about work, life, the future, cancer… etc.
It has made me re-think my entire future, and everything I previously thought about what I wanted to do with myself. My previous desires to excel at my career and eventually start up a company and become a “success” (whatever that actually means) has been replaced by a desire to simplify my life down to the basics, and get rid of anything in my life that doesn’t make me feel GOOD about what i’m doing. Wanting a big successful company has been replaced by wanting a simple job that lets me have more time off, and less stress. Before, I pretty much had it all planned out. Now, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.
Dad’s book recently came out (Amazon link), and i’ve been reading it on the train. It has given me a LOT to think about, and it’s scary how much of it lines up exactly with my recent realisations about my own life, especially the chapters about consuming less so we can work less, and concentrating more on ourselves and the people/community around us. Whether I find a way to work less in my current role, or find a new job that lets me work more efficiently and create more spare usable time, something has to change. I’ve always said that I believe fewer work days, but spent working harder and longer, is a much more efficient way to work… it lets you get into the “zone” and churn through large amounts of work in one go, in your own time, and still enjoy more time off to relax and do personal things… maybe then I could actually get some sleep.
(PS: Apologies for how scattered and random this post is, having another bad day, but really wanted to get an update out! I’ll resume to more structured and well-thought-out posts soon, got lots I want to write about, just need to find some time.)